


Who You've Always Been

by veggiemom



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, Happy Ending, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbian Character, compulsory heterosexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-10-26 21:04:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17753438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/veggiemom/pseuds/veggiemom
Summary: Tomoe confesses to Himari, and Himari finally has to face what she's known all along.





	Who You've Always Been

**Author's Note:**

> Himari being a lesbian with compulsory heterosexuality is extremely important to me, and so I wanted to write this fic as soon as possible. My teenage self deeply relates to her in like, every way possible.

_“I like you, Himari. So… I want to go out with you.”_

Tomoe’s words had been stuck in Himari’s head for the past few hours now, as long as she’d been crying for. Really, she’d been crying ever since Tomoe confessed to her. She’d cried right in front of Tomoe’s face, until Tomoe awkwardly let her go home afterwards (even when she was so scared, and in so much pain, Himari didn’t have the heart to turn her back away from Tomoe and run), and she’d cried since her body first hit her bed. She’d never cried this hard before, not since she was a child, and she lost her favorite pink blanket on the train. She would have thought by now that her tears would have run dry, but there were more and more that dripped down her face each and every time she’d even _try_ to begin to sort out the feelings inside of her. Her head thrummed with a headache in her temples, and her eyes stung as if she’d just had lemon juice squirted into them. Her heart hurt so bad, it felt like it could split in half, and above all of that… Himari was terrified.

Tomoe had confessed to her.

Himari didn’t know what to make of Tomoe’s confession. She knew what it _meant,_ of course. It meant that Tomoe liked her, as more than a friend. Tomoe had been very clear about it, up on that roof, where Afterglow always met up with each other. The setting sun had framed Tomoe’s body, and Tomoe looked so serious, then. Serious about _her_ … but Himari didn’t know how she felt about Tomoe, or her confession.

Well, maybe that wasn’t the whole truth. Himari knew how she felt about Tomoe’s confession… and how she felt about _Tomoe_ herself. Himari _knew_ that she did, somewhere, deep down inside of her, where she’s always known since she was little. But she didn’t want to think about what that meant for her, or what would happen to her once she _accepted_ what it meant for her. If she even could accept it. Somehow, for some reason, it just terrified her, and Himari didn’t even really know _why_ it did, exactly.

All the other members of Afterglow were lesbians. Tomoe and Moca had come out around the same time in their first year of middle school, and then Tsugumi in their second year, and then Ran was the last of them to come out at the end of their second year too, after she started to date Moca. Which left Himari in their wake.

Himari wasn’t like her friends, because Himari liked boys. Yeah. Himari liked boys, because…

… Because she just _did._ Even if everyone else in Afterglow was a lesbian, and Himari loved them all more than anything else in the world, and had never judged them for a second... that’s just the way it’d always been for her, right? Liking boys, wanting to date boys, and wanting to marry boys… it was just natural for her, like it was natural for most other girls. Because liking boys was natural (though there was always a guilt inside, thinking that, something that pulled at her heartstrings, maybe for deeming her friends as ‘unnatural’ in some way, or also...).

She remembered a time from when she was younger. She’d already met the girls from Afterglow, then. She had been watching TV, all curled up and close to the screen, with her little knees pressed to her chest and her arms wrapped around her body. On the TV, there was an older girl and a boy next to each other, getting married. Himari had always wanted to get married and have a family, that’s the sort of girl that she was, always dreaming about being a mom, and having a fantasy romance. However, when she’d been looking at them, that girl and that boy together, something in her mind thought, ‘I’d like that to me and Tomoe-chan.’ Tomoe was so cool and brave and tough, and she always protected Himari, just like how the older boy said he would protect the older girl he was getting married to when they exchanged their wedding vows. _Just like us!,_ Himari thought to herself, scooting closer to the screen, with her big green eyes shining excitedly.

However, she soon learned that it wasn’t exactly normal for girls to want to marry other girls, and Himari was glad that she never told anyone that she wanted to marry Tomoe. Her friends at school, especially all of the other girly girls like Himari, all talked about boys, and so Himari did too. It was cool and mature to like boys, and nobody ever spoke about girls who liked girls, and so Himari realized that she could just choose to like boys instead.

It was easy to ignore how she actually felt inside. She really did like the attention that boys gave her, and she really did get excited if a guy looked her way, and she did fawn over the idea that maybe a mysterious man would one day buy her a surprise cake at the bakery. It made her feel wanted, and Himari always liked to feel wanted, especially as she grew older, into a teenager. Every teenage girl wanted to be liked by boys.

However, there was always a feeling of uncertainty inside of her, something that made her tummy feel strange whenever she would think of _actually_ dating a boy, beyond the stolen glances, and beyond the far away fantasies. That voice, though, was deep, deep down inside of her, and Himari could shake it off in favor of other things. Like her friends, like her studies, and like her after school clubs.

As Himari cried an onslaught of more endless tears on her bed, she recalled a time she had recently with Tomoe.

She’d complained to Tomoe about how she’d been feeling down. Tomoe, who had always been there for her, listened with open arms and ears. The way Tomoe’s eyes looked so gentle, and the way she listened to Himari so intently… those same feelings from when she was a child bubbled up inside of her. It overwhelmed her all at once, and in the end, all she could say as she wiped her tears away was:

_“If only you were a boy…”_

If Tomoe were a boy, then Himari could have still felt the same way she did when she was a child. If Tomoe were a boy, then it wouldn’t be weird for Himari to like her. It wouldn’t be strange for Himari to think that she was so pretty, with her red hair, and her tall stature, and it wouldn’t be odd for Himari to feel the way she did when Tomoe would embrace her whenever Himari felt down…

Himari realized then that maybe, she still liked Tomoe, and she cried harder, putting her forehead between her knees and letting her tears soak her skin with a helpless, confused sob.

* * *

 **♡ himari! ♡** [4:23PM] tsugu? can i ask you for a favor?  
**Tsugumi** [4:24PM] of course! what’s up, himari-chan? is everything ok?  
**♡ himari! ♡** [4:30PM] everything’s fine! it’s just, kaoru-senpai, do you have her number? or line ID? it’s a bit weird to think of kaoru-senpai with a line account now that i think about it but! can you get either one from someone?  
**Tsugumi** [4:31PM] kaoru-senpai? oh, sure, i have her number from hagumi-chan! i’ll send it to you in just a sec!  
**Tsugumi** [4:31PM] is everything okay, himari-chan? i’m afraid you might die or at least pass out from texting kaoru-senpai. that’s a really bold move!  
**♡ himari! ♡** [4:33PM] hehe yeah. everything’s a-okay! Ｏ(≧∇≦)Ｏ it’s, well, i just needed her number is all!  
**Tsugumi** [4:35PM] needed it? what for?  
**♡ himari! ♡** [4:40PM] that issssssssss… himari’s secret~

* * *

Maybe it was Tomoe who was the only girl Himari liked… until she remembered Kaoru-senpai. Kaoru-senpai, who was so dashing and handsome, just like a real prince… and who was also a woman.

Honestly, now that Himari was having these conflicting feelings inside of her, she felt a bit embarrassed at just how _open_ she was about her adoration of Kaoru, and how she hadn’t even realized her own behavior, ironically. Did it make her seem strange? Contradictory of how ‘boy crazy’ she was? The girls in Afterglow had even brought Kaoru over to perform for her for her birthday (and she’d cried for hours then, too albeit for a different reason). How could Himari not have noticed before that it was connected? If it even… _was_ connected? It was all so confusing to think of that she wanted to start crying again, right where she was meant to meet Kaoru, but she held it in and took a deep sniff through her stuffy nose. Even though it was a few days after Tomoe’s confession - three, exactly, she’d been crying every day, and looked like an absolute wreck. Partially because she hadn’t talked to Tomoe since then… how did Tomoe feel? She’d only sent Himari one text and left her alone otherwise.

_“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, Himari. I don’t know what else to say, so… I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk. If you’re willing to, that is. What I mean is that I’m always here for you.”_

Needless to say, Himari didn’t text Tomoe back, and she couldn’t talk to the other girls in Afterglow about this, for some reason. It was… embarrassing to her? Or maybe awkward? She felt a bit guilty that the first person in her mind to go to was Kaoru instead of her closest friends, but she felt like it was the right thing to do for herself, in all of her confusion and desperation. Except the thing was, now that they were at their designated meeting place, a nice little secluded area in the park, Himari was unsure. She felt anxious as she waited for Kaoru to arrive, even though it’d only been maybe three or four minutes since she got here herself.

“Ahh, such a shame on me, to leave the most beautiful of my kittens out here, waiting for my elegant arrival…!” Kaoru’s voice had suddenly snapped Himari out of her stupor, and on instinct, she flustered. “How long have you been waiting for me, little one? Don’t tell me… an eternity…?”

Usually, it made Himari so happy to hear Kaoru’s princely flirations, but right now it only made her stomach ache, especially since she was starting to piece together why she liked them so much in the first place…

… Because she … liked …

Himari swallowed all of the saliva that had gathered in her mouth and tried to smile at Kaoru. However, she felt her lower lip begin to tremble against her own will, and her eyes stung with the all-too-familiar sensation of salty tears. It hurt her already sore eyes so much, and her vision fogged up terribly.

Kaoru’s mouth parted in surprise. “Kitten, are you alright?” She asked her.

Himari instantly began to sob, and Kaoru didn’t hesitate to take off her long flannel jacket and wrap it around Himari’s shuddering shoulders immediately. At the feeling of its weight around her body, comforting and heavy and smelling like Kaoru, Himari hugged it tight to her body and began to cry even harder.

* * *

 Sat on a cold stone bench in the park side by side with one another, Kaoru lifted a few fingers to her lips thoughtfully. “I see… so that’s the sort of trouble my dear Himari-chan is going through… I’m glad that you sought out my guidance, sweet one. It would pain me to have found out you were suffering through this alone.”

Himari sniffled, and was embarrassed by how obvious it was that she was congested. Kaoru had managed to calm her down a bit with her sweet talk, and Himari really did feel comforted, wrapped up in an article of her clothes. Still though, she looked up at Kaoru and frowned despite herself.

“Thank you, Kaoru-senpai… I just… I don’t know what to do…”

“As I said, I will help any way that I can. I understand that it’s hard not to be starstruck in my presence, and that is my curse alone to bear… however, we may drop all pretenses. I am yours to talk to freely. Ask whatever questions you may, or whatever you need, and I will answer to them to my best abilities. It’s that I swear to you.”

Himari felt her heart start to beat a little faster. Kaoru’s voice… though it was deep and masculine, it was clearly still a woman’s voice. She couldn’t recall a time where, when a boy flirted with her, she’d ever feel this elated. She’d giggle a bit as a natural reaction to being given attention, sure, but when Kaoru spoke to her…

“Kaoru-senpai… it’s really okay to be… um, blunt?”

“It is.”

Himari looked away from Kaoru. She clung to the jacket around her and pulled it in tighter, as if trying to hide away inside of its folds. She took a small breath, and felt like she could cry again as the air filled her lungs. “Kaoru-senpai… is a lesbian, right?”

“Indeed, I am,” Kaoru confirmed shamelessly, and Himari was envious of that part of her. “And that’s why you decided to come to me for this matter.”

Himari nodded once. “Yeah… that’s why. I told you… about Tomoe, and about… her confession to me…” Himari’s voice broke halfway through her sentence, and Kaoru placed her hand on Himari’s shoulder to calm her. A big tear rolled down her face, and Kaoru wiped it for her, with a little tenderly whispered _‘hush.’_ Himari smiled weakly in response. She couldn’t help herself. She felt so guilty about leaving things the way that they’d been the past few days as she selfishly tried to deal with and sort out her own feelings. How did _Tomoe_ feel? Was she anxious, like Himari was? She knew Tomoe well enough to know that she probably couldn’t stand this just as much as Himari couldn’t stand it, either. “And about how I’m confused… if I’m a lesbian, too…”

“As a wise man once said… these matters are not always so easy to figure out, and that is perfectly okay,” Kaoru told her with confidence, caressing her cheek to continually wipe away each one of Himari’s new tears with a thumb. “You may absolutely take your time discovering these things. You may realize it now, or tomorrow, or in years. For me, I have always known and embraced it, but it does not have to be the same case for you, or anyone else. It is apparent to me, however, that you truly care about your Tomoe, if you are this distraught over what has happened with her.”

Himari hiccuped. “Of course I do! Of course I do… she’s my…” _She’s the one I’ve always been in love with._ “My… best friend…” She finished with a small, trembling voice.

“Tell her exactly what you’ve told me, and I believe your answer will come to you sooner than later, my princess,” Kaoru said with a genuine smile, and Himari nodded and closed her eyes. She leaned herself into Kaoru’s arms and allowed herself to be held. It felt good, to be in the embrace of another girl, and for the first time since childhood, she felt at home.

* * *

 **♡ himari! ♡ [5:30PM]** i’m sorry that i didn’t text you back until now, tomoe. can we meet on the roof?

 **Udagawa Tomoe (•́⌄•́๑)૭ [5:46PM]** Of course. Let’s meet in thirty minutes.

* * *

The tears stopped in place of fear. It was the only true terror Himari had ever felt, even beyond when they were all locked in school at night that one time before, as she looked at Tomoe from where she stood on the roof. They were… so far apart, like this, and Tomoe looked so uncomfortable. Her hands were in her pockets, and she just sort of… stared at Himari, with her eyebrows creased inward in a way that indicated that she was guilty. She’d known Tomoe nearly all of her life. How could she not recognize that look?

“...Tomoe,” Himari said, though her voice cracked, and she looked down. “Hi…”

“...Hey,” Tomoe said.

There was silence.

Himari’s head snapped up and she clenched her fists. “Tomoe! I… have you… been okay? These past few days…”

“Been fine,” Tomoe said again, shortly.

“Tomoe…” Himari practically whispered, and Tomoe’s lips twitched, like she could sense how tense the situation was too. It was nearly tangible in the air. How could either one of them ignore how awkward this was? “About… your confession…”

“Yeah… about that, Himari,” Tomoe spoke up for Himari, like she just wanted to get this conversation done and over with, and Himari bit her lip in response. “I’m… real sorry, to have sprung that on you so suddenly,” she sighed, and then tried to smile, which broke Himari’s heart even more. She looked truly, truly guilty, and ashamed of herself. “You… don’t swing my way. It was… uh… it was wrong of me to have done that to you. I really didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, and I don’t want to mess up what we have. You’re my best friend, Himari, and so…”

“N, no!” Himari said loudly, like her voice jumped out from her chest on its own and into the open air between them. Tomoe looked incredibly shocked by Himari’s sudden volume, by the way Himari had cut her off mid-sentence. ‘Don’t swing my way,’ Tomoe had said… and in turn, Himari just repeated what Kaoru had told her. _Tell her exactly what you told me._ “I… about that…! Tomoe, I… um…” She trembled. She wished that Kaoru’s jacket was around her, to give her strength. “I did. I did get scared, but it’s not because… it’s not because you’re a lesbian. It’s because…”

_It’s because… I’m a lesbian._

“It’s because for a really long time, I’ve always thought that I liked boys… w, well… maybe I didn’t _really_ think that I did, but I… think I convinced myself? That I did. So when you… when you said that you like me, and that you wanted to go out with me…” Even just recalling what Tomoe said began to make sweat bead on Himari’s forehead, underneath her bangs. “It… made me think… about things I’ve felt before, that I tried not to think about for a long time…” She clenched her fists. “But I just can’t ignore it anymore! Because… I… I like you… too…”

Tomoe’s eyes bulged and her mouth gaped. She looked truly taken back by Himari’s own rooftop confession. “Himari?” Is all she said. “Do you seriously mean that?”

“I… I think so? I think… that I’m a… l, lesbian too…” She said, just barely above a whisper, and her voice skipped as she did. It was the first time she’d ever said that out loud to anyone. “And I’ve really always liked you, Tomoe, ever since we were little…!”

“Himari…”

Himari’s face - her entire body - became hot and red, and inevitably, she began to cry. She rubbed the back of her hand across her eyes, smearing her tears on her face, and her body shivered, even though it wasn’t particularly cold outside. “Uu…! I’ve… never said that before… even though I’ve, I’ve always…!” She let her head hang down, and her tears slipped down her nose, to her chin, onto the concrete below her. “T, Tomoe…”

She felt a sudden weight on her head. It was the feeling of a hand. She looked up to see Tomoe looking at her with the same gentle, tender blue eyes as always. She had a smile on her face.

“Hey, it’s okay… you don’t have to say anything more than this,” Tomoe told her softly, her usually gruff and loud voice so comforting, like it always was when Tomoe would console her. “It’s okay, Himari.”

Himari started to cry tears of relief. Her lips trembled with a warbly smile, and all she had it in her to say was, “Tomoe…!”

“Himari, can I hold your hand?” Tomoe asked.

“What about a kiss?” Himari suggested instead through the streaks of tears that ran down her cheeks, and smiled that same trembling smile up at Tomoe.

“Isn’t that… too much at once?” Tomoe asked hesitantly, like she didn’t want to hurt Himari again.

Himari shook her head. Tomoe, still a bit uncertain, leaned down to just barely brush her lips against Himari’s in a two second kiss. Himari knew that she must have tasted salty, and that her lips were wet and sticky, but once she felt Tomoe’s lips on hers, she started to cry harder the second that Tomoe pulled away from her. It startled Tomoe, and Tomoe gritted her teeth.

“I knew it’d be too fast for you! Himari, I’m…”

“No, no,” Himari practically bawled, but her smile got even bigger through her tears. Her nose was running and her face was completely red all the way across, but she was… “No, I’m… I’m so happy…! That felt better than anything I’ve ever felt before… can you do it again?”

Tomoe laughed gently, her own face a little red and sweaty. “What am I going to do with you…?” She asked before she put her thumb on Himari’s chin and tilted her head up for a kiss. Tomoe had to bend her body down a little, since Himari was so short in comparison to her. Just like Himari asked, Tomoe gave her another kiss, one that lasted a bit longer that time around. When she pulled away, she rested her forehead against Himari’s tussled pink bangs and peeked at her within their close proximity.

“Himari… I’m proud of you,” she whispered.

Himari laughed breathlessly. “I think… I think we’re gonna have to take it a little slow, if that’s okay, but I’m… I’m really happy right now…!”

“Of course,” Tomoe told her. “We’ll take it at your pace for as long as you need.”

“You know, Tomoe… I’ve… I’ve always wanted to marry you.”

“Marry me?! Ghahha… isn’t that a little much? What happened to wanting to take it slow, huh?”

They laughed together, and then Tomoe pulled Himari into her chest to hug her tightly.

* * *

 **♡ himari! ♡** [9:10PM] kaoru-senpai? i’m not sure if you’re awake, and i’m sorry to text you at such a time, but i just wanted to tell you that i did what you told me, and i told tomoe how i felt about her!  
**♡ himari! ♡** [9:10PM] it’s a little surreal, but… we’re girlfriend and girlfriend now!  
**Prince** [9:12PM] My heart absolutely sings in response to this wonderful news, my princess!  
**Prince** [9:12PM] Tell me, did you find your answer?  
**♡ himari! ♡** [9:13PM] i did!  
**Prince** [9:14PM] Then all is well. I congratulate and wish you and your Tomoe all of the world’s smiles and happiness. **  
** **♡ himari! ♡** [9:14PM] thank you, kaoru-senpai! good night! let’s see each other again some time soon! with me as the new himari!  
**Prince** [9:15PM] You say ‘new,’ but I say you have become who you’ve always been.  
**Prince** [9:15PM] The sweetest dreams to you, my dearest.

 _‘You’ve become who you’ve always been.’_  
  
All wrapped up in her blankets, Himari pulled her phone close to her chest and giggled as she typed out the night’s final text to her special someone, her face radiated by the screen’s light. For the first time in forever, she wasn’t full of fear, or denial, but rather, she was full of excitement and love. She knew that she would be okay.

 **♡ himari! ♡** [9:17PM] good night, tomoe! ♡  
**Udagawa Tomoe (•́⌄•́๑)૭** [9:17PM] Night, Himari! I’ll see you tomorrow!

**Author's Note:**

> himari throughout every interval of this fic: *rapidly googling AM I LESBIAN? tests online*


End file.
